Stop trying to be the best all the time. Never stop trying to be the best all the time.

My mother is the queen of all tough love. Shake it off. Get over it. Get over yourself. Stop trying so hard and it will be easier.

How can I be a good girlfriend if he isn't even there? How can I stop beating myself up for him leaving if I am not the reason. How can I keep reading his Facebook about how happy everyone is about something that makes me so sad? You know that feeling you get like you are being shot with an arrow through your heart? I feel that every time one of his friends I'll never meet who he will spend all his time with in Antarctica virtually high fives him and talks about how glad they will be that he is coming back. People that have lived in the same place with him, and I never have. People that seem to know him better than I do somehow, even though I've been dating him for a year. And they all sound so encouraging. "I knew you couldn't stay away" they say. Well how come I didn't even know? Am I a fool?

My dreams haven't changed. My dreams are to have a family with him. To live with him. To have a good life for me and my daughter and him. His priorities are now to go there and be happy and he seems so happy and I am so sad.

Stories about courage and strength and Kick Ass

I was in labor about 5 years ago for 12 hours with Ella. I'll spare you most the details, except for the important points for this story with the title of this blog post. Unfortunately it is a very long entire story since I was in labor for 12 hours. I had to have a C section late at night when she wanted to be born but it wasn't happening.

I was pissed off when it was over. They take your glasses when they put you in the OR. I had not yet seen my baby even though she was out and alive someplace. I could hear them sewing me up even though I think I was supposed to be unconscious. When I was being wheeled down the hallway I shouted for my mother to GIVE ME MY GLASSES! I wasn't going to see Ella. Her Apgar score was too low.  I wasn't happy. People kept telling me to go to sleep. I had major surgery. I was anesthetized. Shouldn't she be asleep? Passed out? NO! My best friend who knew I wouldn't rest until I saw her went to get my midwife. My midwife signed for the baby, and they brought Ella to me so I could see her WITH my glasses on. Then I was happy and passed out. I woke up to feed her a few hours later, and was able to ask for them to leave her in my room when she could be there. But she needed the lamps because she was jaundiced.

I woke up in the morning and asked the nurse to take off my IV and my catheter. I was ready to get up. I was met with a nervous giggle. Really? No one ever has asked for that so soon, they said. We have to ask someone. The head nurse took one look at me and knew what had to be done. She took me off the catheter. She watched me pee. Then I walked to see Ella. No one could keep me down. I had a mission.

Today I was very impressed with how Ella was dealing with her stress before her surgery. When we got there a co-worker friend of mine was there with her daughter to have their 4th procedure. The girl was upset and Ella walked right over and comforted her. She told her that both of them were going to be ok. Ella had never had surgery before and was already acting like it was no big deal but only in front of the other girl. But it was amazing to see her ability to help the girl cope. Ella only cried coming out of the anesthesia. She felt like puking for a little while, then ate two ice pops before we left. She was irritated, took a long nap, and then woke up 5 hours after the surgery and is acting as if nothing is wrong. "I was sick, now I am better." She said. "My soul is good."

I have to remember who I am, how I am, and where I come from when I am upset about things. I have to remember that I am strong. That we are strong. That bouncing back means you deal and you live and you get better. That just because things are not going the way you planned them, that things will still be ok and recovery happens. First ice pops, then ice cream, then soft foods, then pizza time. It's easy.

Why I Don't Have a Partner

Why I Don't Have a Partner  by Erica Manville

I won't settle for less than I deserve.


Look for the sequel : Why I Never Really Had a Partner Even Though I Tried To A Few Times coming soon


It's a real tear jerker.

Pop, lock, and drop it like it's hot, lean back, and get jiggy with it

Ever since I was a young girl I have been itchy. My mom is super itchy too. We live in a constant state of itchiness, nothing makes it better and only makes it worse. The side effects of the stuff that does work isn't worth it. My mother's symptoms have gotten worse over the years, she gets hives that look like ringworm (big, puffy, and circular) and the only thing that works is heavy antihistamines so she takes nothing. A symptom for me is that I have irritations all day long and I am so used to it that I don't even realize that my knuckles are so dry they are bleeding and so tonight my hands are burning, itching, and bleeding. Creams just make it feel worse. Typing= not a good idea. But this is a sign that I need to take care of myself and my needs. Thanks, my body, for reminding me that you are there. Yes yes, I will try to take better care of you. Sleeping, exercising, and pampering are on the calendar, right along with MOVING, which is the big suck. Worse thing ever, we all know it. Listen Carlin,  I know it's all just shit, ok?

Someday, somewhere, somehow. day, where, how.

I have boundless energy and everything is wrong

I was about to leave a post about my boundless energy about how everything is wrong and how I woke up and need to change it. I read my cousin's blog, and realized she already wrote it. We have this parallel thing....blood relation connection thing.

I have been waiting to act. I have been waiting for someone else to help me. Needing help is fine, I am totally ok with needing help. People can't do things on their own, that's why there are millions of us. And there are millions of us, yet we still feel alone sometimes.

It was nice to think about and I really thought it was going to work. I had been dreaming up plans with the man I love for about a year now and now that isn't happening the way we discussed. It's still possible, maybe someday.  Last time my plans went to shit I walked up a mountain by myself without training: a really big steep mountain. It was the best thing I could think of to prove to myself that I could do it. And I did it. And it helped. I have boundless energy sometimes.

This time I will have other challenges.

One Line.

This is how I feel today

I met Louise Bourgeois 10 years ago in her studio and at her home. It's a long story as to how I got there, but a bunch of us from Columbus were chosen because the Wexner Center gave her a prize of lots of money and she was too old to come and get it. So we got a studio tour and sat in her house and showed her slides of our work. She was quite old even then, and couldn't see the slides of our work very well. Her only critique of my work was to say, " finally, here is some good work about love. Love is the only thing worth talking about in this way." And that was it. It was nice because the other grads there had made more "acceptable" work according to our local  crits in grad school, she was sitting there railing them for what their work was about,  and yet my work was approved by this wonderful old amazing artist immediately. She sat in awe of my paintings and even giggled. That was the best day.

Today I feel like this.